Asking me if I have a man (if you know me) is like asking me if I have a "magic stick". If I had a man, and he was so awesome, and wait, you are my friend, don't you think you would know? One thing people don't know about me (I am gathering), I don't need acknowledgement or people to tell me why I should or should not have a man....
So on to "man". I like the word "boyfriend" . I feel the euphoria of being with someone you totally connect with. He makes you laugh, understands you, accepts you for you...and so on...(I don't need to elaborate) The word "boyfriend" reminds me of being in high school at my locker waiting for him to pass the corner to kiss me on the cheek! Is this why I teach High School. I like to live my life vicariously through the kids....
6 years ago, I went through a BRIEF moment of "what the hell just happened". I lost not just my love, but my friend. Looking back, I thanked god for his unanswered prayers at that time. I would have dropped him sooner than later. You cant take back some things...and yes, I can forgive and forget, but alot of things you never forget. I remember moving back to Vegas 8 months pregnant, and well, it was like I had this book in my suitcase that I was waiting to close or find "the end". Does it make me a bad person? NOPE...did I do the right thing? YEP! It took time to date. I moved at a slow pace. Since then, I can count 2 men that had also changed my life. Clearly, they missed MY boat. Then, I had a few that were kind and loving, and well, no interest. They were TOO nice! Looking back now, I should kick myself. I won't though! What was I thinking?
Now that my daughter is 6, and wonders why I wont get married and have another child, it has left me many times thinking, what do I want? She acts like I can go to the store and buy these THINGS....I wish she understood. When I closed my book 6 years ago, yes, it made me a bitter person for awhile. I could have rewritten "Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus". My version...That would have been a top seller.
What we don't realize is bitterness leads to negative energy. That negative energy led to more losers in the dating pool. Ive been a born again positive person for many years. Ive had my fair share of partying like a rockstar in my 20's. I played games, drank till' I dropped, prank called the boys to see if they really did have a girlfriend, loved the boys, changed for boys, and looking back, I am so over that! The birth of Emilee, it changed me. It was like some voodoo spell was casted over the birthing canal. Really...I am a different person now then before I had Emilee.
So here is the deal...No, at the moment, I don't have a man and why? Well, in a short version, I can't play games, deal with BS, or be with someone who doesn't understand that life with a kid dating is much different then life without a kid. In addition, I am a priority. Make sense? Also, my kid comes first...
What really stinks is when you DO start to show interest or date, you question when to introduce the kid, scheduling, etc. BLAH! It becomes all too stressful for me. BUT, it shouldn't be that way! So what happens next, well I would rather not date or wait for that damn FAKE prince to come to my door and give me my other slipper. Not happening right? Maybe if you are smart, confident and have your crap together?
I am all of those things (yes, the BIG head came out in me), mind you, outgoing, silly, and well, pretty darn loving.
Why is it so hard to date, juggle your life, and when you think you may have found a "good" one, as soon as you have the positive energy, swoosh! Back to square one...which after so many squares, you become like an old piece of chocolate, bitter...again, for about a day (in my world). Remember, I don't have time for the negative energy.
"Its Complicated", at the end, she says "I no longer feel alone or divorced I just feel normal." That was what it felt like the day I gave birth.
6 years later. I haven't settled. I won't. I don't need to. I am the only one that can make my dreams come true. Yet, it would be nice to share these dreams with, the right person.
I know that God has a plan for all of us. This includes who you will spend your life with. Who knows, maybe I will be a young hip mom with Emilee when she is in her 20's partying like I did as a 20 year old. I can live with her. I will be retired. She will marry when she is out of medical school or Pastry Chef School (she does not know yet-lol)...
Right now, I am a MAD. A mother and a dad. I love it. Woot! Woot! I wouldn't trade it for the world. I've become so used to being and doing everything on my own this past 6 years (and with the help of my family-bless you!!) that I have to stop and remind myself now, I cant wait to have someone to turn to, share the ups and downs of my day with, someone I can laugh with and have laugh at me. All the struggles I may have encountered with smucks, well, god told me he wanted me to experience those "days" so I could have some extra laughs. It worked. Thank you god for the life you have given me and Em. I am blessed, and so is he who gets to spend it with us someday.
Conclusion to this random blog: I am a mover and a shaker and I am very routine. It is the SIMPLE LITTLE things that make my world go around. You know, like small acts of kindness, the holding of my hand when I need it, a card, sweet text, a text or call never left unanswered and returned, or just some extra lovin'.
When I think of these small SIMPLE things, I wonder how much my life will change when and if this does come along. For the long haul that is. I can only say watching her leave with Dad this time (and this isn't the first) it was in that moment that I realized that everything in our life has a time, a place, a purpose, a path and a reason. This road I have traveled may have had a few rocky places, but I swear, I would not trade for the world. I am amazingly strong. I have so much to give...and it has made me a better person. I've been given the opportunity to find things in my self I didn't know existed, and the beautiful smile of a little girl who is my world. Blessed...
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